


stupid family

by archaic_deity



Series: Naruto's Fucking Family [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dialogue Heavy, Dick Jokes, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Found Family, Gen, Hokage Uzumaki Naruto, Huddling For Warmth, Light Angst, M/M, Naruto is Just Naruto, Not Beta Read, Oiroke no Jutsu | Sexy no Jutsu, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Piggybacks, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, This Is STUPID, Time Travel, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Warm, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Wish Fulfillment, Young Hatake Kakashi, and his hair is NOT a disaster, hokage naruto is NOT a tired old man, i havent even finished the series forgive me, i thought it would be cute shut up, naruto befriends himself, pulling an endgame, talk no jutsu happens im sorry yall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29647062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archaic_deity/pseuds/archaic_deity
Summary: Naruto blinks. One minute, he's napping on his couch, his husband cuddled against him as the Nanadaime Hokage cloak acts as a makeshift blanket, the next he's lying on the forest floor just outside of Konoha, Neji still asleep at his side.Basically, Naruto and Neji (who are very much in love and married) time-travel (on accident) into the past and kinda just do dumb stuff. Not canon compliant at all. A lotta dumb shit happens.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Uzumaki Naruto, Hyuuga Neji/Uzumaki Naruto, Kyuubi | Nine-tails | Kurama & Uzumaki Naruto, Namikaze Minato & Uzumaki Naruto, Namikaze Minato/Uzumaki Kushina, Uzumaki Kushina & Uzumaki Naruto, Uzumaki Naruto & Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Naruto's Fucking Family [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184507
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	stupid family

**Author's Note:**

> was lookin for a fic where hokage naruto either travels back in time and adopts kakashi basically or baby kakashi travels forward in time and is adopted by naruto and i had no luck so i made 1 lol. also this is an alternate timeline, narutos original timeline is halted rn.
> 
> also i have no idea what this is trying to be im so sorry.

Sunlight filters through the window, just enough to warm Naruto and Neji as they slept, but not stir them in their afternoon slumber. Neji was curled into Naruto's side, his head resting on the blonde's left brachium. An arm and a leg were thrown over his husband's body as if to keep him stationary. Naruto's head lay on the couch arm as he napped on his back, his left arm holding Neji as his right sat useless and slack, all but brushing the floor of their living room.

His comfortable snooze with his lover was interrupted by a bright white void that opened beneath them. A rift of sorts in the space-time continuum, one that was probably, in not definitely, intentional. They were deposited in a warmed clearing a stroll away from Konoha, gently as not to wake the sleeping duo. Naruto merely pulled the makeshift blanket, his Hokage cloak, closer as he let out a small grunt.

Surprisingly, it was Naruto who awoke first. A small grasshopper had decided to try and make a home in his ear, and he jolted awake just as it was about to crawl in. He let out a yelp and shook his head, dislodging the poor creature and letting it roam free. Now, sat up and very much awake, he took in his surroundings.

"What the hell... what hell am I doing out here?" he whispered to himself. Obviously, they were near Konoha. He was well-acquainted with the forest. He placed an arm on Neji's. "Neji, Neji. Wake up."

Said Hyuuga let out a few moans of annoyance before finally waking. He rubbed his eyes as he scanned the environment, letting out a low sigh. "For the _last time_ , Naruto. I am _not_ letting you fuck me in the forest."

" _I'm_ not the one who brought you out here this time!" Naruto responds, his voice edging on whiney. Neji looks at him with a raised brow, face unamused. "Look, I don't know how we got out here either!"

"Uh-huh." Neji stands up, letting the cloak fall off his lap. He held his hand out to his spouse and hoisted him up, almost falling over himself. The blonde let out an appreciative grunt, joining their hands as he picked up his cloak, draping it over his forearm.

"I swear to Kami, if Sasuke thought it would be a great idea to drag us both out here, I'll kill him," Naruto mutters. Neji gives a half-nod.

Approaching the gate, the two greeted the familiar chūnin duo and then continued into the village. Quietly, they observed the street vendors and shops, surprised not one of them called out, "Hokage-sama!"

Naruto was a tad relieved if he were honest. Being Hokage was nice and all, but sometimes you need a break from the constant attention. Though it was strange they didn't pay him a second thought. Strange indeed...

When they reached the Hokage building, Naruto and Neji finally decided it was a good moment to look at the Hokage monuments. To their surprise, Naruto, Kakashi, and Tsunade's faces weren't there! The Yondaime's carefully sculpted head was the most recent, and the two shared panicked glances.

"Holy shit did we just...?" came Naruto's awed whisper.

" _Oh my god_."

The pair raced into the building, dodging shinobi and civilians alike as they ran into the Hokage office. There, in the chair where Naruto used to sit, was the _Yondaime_. The duo's jaws were on the floor as they stared wide-eyed at the Hokage.

Said Hokage looked up from his paperwork, eyeing the two incredulously. "Erm... may I... help you two... gentlemen?"

Silence passed between the men, the air growing tenser by the minute.

"Is your wife pregnant?!" Naruto blurted out, eyes still glued to his supposed-to-be dead father. Minato quirked his head, raising a brow as he processed the question.

"...Yes? Two months, specifically." 

Naruto looked at Neji and Neji looked at Naruto.

" _Seven months_ ," they whispered in sync. Minato gives them a bemused expression.

Finally, Neji comes to his wits and realizes that they're acting very strange and definitely setting off more than a few red flags in the soon-to-be father. Neji quickly takes the lead as Naruto processes that he's breathing the same air as his very much alive _father_.

"Ahem," the Hyuuga clears his throat, "You'll have to excuse my husband here. He was very excited when he heard the news and has been _dying_ to meet you, your wife, and hopefully your child. We were travelling Nami no Kuni as retired shinobi, but our hometown is here in Konoha."

Minato stopped looking at them with suspicion and let out a tired sigh. "Understood." When Minato meets Neji's gaze again, he hums contemplatively. "You're a Hyuuga?"

Ah, right. Neji's pale lavender eyes were a dead give-away to his heritage, and he wasn't well-versed in any permanent _Henge no Jutsu_ variants to make such a subtle change.

"I, erm, I'm an unofficial child of th Hyuuga family. I have no ties to them other than blood."

"I see... and your name?"

 _Fuck_. He had thought of fake-names, neither of them _expected_ to be sent back into the past!

"Uh... My name... is-"

"His name is Riku," Naruto interjected. "I am Asahi."

"Right... well then, what about you Asahi? What connection do you have to Konoha?"

"I was born to a civilian family in Konoha and decided I wanted to be a ninja," he answers smoothly. He continues, "Turns out, that life just wasn't for me."

Namikaze nods understandingly. "Well... would you two mind leaving my office...? I had paperwork to fill out."

"Right, right! Sorry, we'll be going-," Naruto mumbles apologetically, letting his arm rest on the Hyuuga's waist as he pulls the man out. As they exit the building, Naruto finally lets go of his husband, looking at the ground in shock. " _My father_ is _alive_."

Neji rubs Naruto's back comfortingly, just holding him. What else can he do when no words could help?

"... _My mom_ is _alive_."

It takes a moment for Naruto to completely catch his breath. Neji leads them to a more secluded area, their hands clasped.

"I'm not letting them die again."

"I know." He pulls Naruto's head down, holding it to rest against his shoulder. "I won't either."

* * *

Naruto discovers that following his father led them to a young Kakashi and friends. The couple wasn't nearly as acquainted with Obito and Rin as they were with Kakashi, though they only really knew _their_ Kakashi, not... little teen Kakashi.

Minato still made time to train and watch over his Team 7, even if one had recently become jōnin and the other two were chūnin. Naruto felt a little jealous seeing them all rank up to chūnin and over at thirteen when he was a genin until he was seventeen, but it made up for itself when he got to see little Kakashi try and pin Minato.

Naruto stayed out of the clearing, his arms wrapped around Neji's waist, who was leaning against a tree in the shade. They watched the training session with interest, Naruto a tad surprised.

"For someone who drilled teamwork into me when I was twelve, Kakashi sure doesn't get along with his comrades," Naruto mumbled into Neji's hair, who gave a breathless giggle as his exhale tickled his neck. "It's weird, seeing him act so moody and depressed."

Neji nodded impassively, eyes fixed on Obito and Rin's interaction. Kakashi was flying solo for most of the round, but the other two seemed to be trying to work together. Obito often stepped into Rin's attack, causing frustration to the only girl on the team. It was amusing, watching one of their most fearsome enemies struggle against a dead man. "And are you gonna be the one to change that?"

Naruto smiled and pressed a soft kiss onto Neji's neck, his arms squeezing tighter. "You know me too well, darling."

"Sadly. I've been with you since you were a teenager, I've picked up on your habits."

Naruto pulls away, hand on his heart, shirt crumpled. " _Oh_ , you wound me."

Neji turns to his husband and holds his face, bringing him down for a soft kiss. "I hate you."

Naruto only smiles wider, pulling Neji into his chest. "I love you too."

After enjoying their moment, the two lovers turn back to the training field, surprised to see Minato staring at them cheekily. The teenagers are sat down, leaning two leaning on the wooden posts and one lying on the grass.

"Maybe save the lovin' for when you're alone, lovebirds," he says, although his words have no heat.

"You're one to talk! Every time you see Kushina-san, you go and kiss her a whole lot on the mouth and then say all that gross stuff! Gives me the ickies..." Obito called out from his place on the grass. Minato turned around, face flushed, to his student, gawking.

"I've _never_ done that!" he squawks, resembling some sort of cockatoo.

"Yes, you have!"

Minato and Obito engage in a 'did too/did not' battle. While the two busied themselves with each other, Naruto decided to try and talk to Kakashi. It was strange, seeing him as a cute little teen when he was so used to him being the tall jōnin sensei who taught him everything he values still today.

"Hi! I'm Asahi, you're Kakashi, right?"

Kakashi looks up from his cloud-watching to give the blonde a bemused look. Naruto lowers himself to the ground, taking a seat beside the boy as if to make himself seem less threatening.

"...Yes."

Naruto fixes him with an amused smile. "You didn't seem to be trying to work with your teammates."

Kakashi stares at him in a deadpan. "Did Minato-sensei ask you to give me a little 'talking to'?" he asks bitterly, doing air quotes. Naruto's taken aback by the harsh tone, unused to the amount of intensity rolling off of the jōnin's form. "If you came to lecture me about my fucking loneliness, please just save yourself the trouble and leave."

Naruto shakes his head, looking at his hands. One's skin is fully obscured by gauze while the other is calloused and full of papercuts. "I'm not here to lecture you on anything. Just to talk."

Kakashi pulled his legs closer to himself, trying to make himself as tiny as possible. Naruto almost clicked his tongue in disapproval but remembered that it never did well for him anyway, so he refrained.

"Oh, really?" comes the snide remark. Naruto would have been offended if he weren't _the_ Hokage who had to deal with piss-drunks and unreasonable civilians daily.

"Really. I just wanted to talk to you." Naruto lowers himself even farther until he's laying on the ground, staring up and watching the clouds, wistful. "...Long ago... a friend of mine told me the importance of teamwork. Not because we needed to know how to work together on the battlefield but so we could be _friends_. He... wasn't the best at it, in the beginning, and even now he still struggles to ask for people's help. But he got better, and he taught me well. I'm thankful to him, for that."

Kakashi gives the blonde a look bordering on sorrowful. Half his face is obscured by that familiar dark blue mask, but his eyes shine with that familiar wetness as if he's holding back a decade's worth of tears. "He sounds a lot like my old man."

A moment. A silent pause, just drinking in the sound of the wind tickling the grass, the leaves of the trees dancing.

"Does he?" comes Naruto's quiet response. Not a sad, breaking quiet, but a sturdy, understanding one. Naruto's been compared a lot to trees in his past when he sits in tranquillity and stills himself to a point of invisibility. "...I think he'd like to hear that."

Kakashi breathes, although the sound is muffled due to his mask. Naruto wonders if the kid has ever breathed fresh air.

"I certainly wouldn't." His voice has an almost stubborn cadence as if he's not talking to a blonde man named Asahi but to his father. "My old man is honourless. He's no shinobi."

It's a stark contrast from the deep, slumbering way his Kakashi talked about his father, with muted pride and soulful regret. This Kakashi talks of his father as if he were a wound that clawed too deeply into his skin.

"What makes you say so?"

At this Kakashi stills. No longer does he swing back and forth on his haunches, disrupting the grass around him. He goes so incomprehensibly rigid that he almost becomes part of the earth. A moment later, he goes back to fidgeting, depleted of chakra and breath but still running on empty energy. It reminds Naruto of himself.

"Sorry," Naruto apologized, tracing the clouds with his eyes. He receives a noncommittal grunt in response.

"...What was your father like?"

Naruto is a tad caught off guard, but he doesn't let it show outside a widening of the eyes.

"I... I don't know. Never had the chance to talk to him. He... died on the night I was born." Naruto feels Kakashi shift beside him, turning towards him as if to say sorry. "Don't apologize. You didn't know."

The jinchūriki bites the inside of his mouth, taking a moment to ponder the inquiry. He's only talked to his father once when Kurama had almost completely taken over his conscience and Naruto almost killed himself to beat Pain. He'd appeared, all regal and fatherly at once, and stopped him.

"Though I've never met him in life, most described my father as a good man. Strong, determined, caring, but ruthless when need be. He was cunning, quick, understanding. He thought through every action, and never once did he stray from his goals. He... made a great leader." Naruto spares a glance at Minato, though only swiftly. It burns his hurt, in a good way, he thinks. "He's been recognized as one of the best shinobi out there. He's... well, he's incredible, to say the least."

Kakashi looks almost jealous at the wistful yet present way Naruto talks of his father. He looks envious of that proud glint he caught in the blonde's eyes.

"Your father sounds like a god."

Naruto lets out a small giggle, burying his head into his shirt a tad to stifle them.

"Yeah. I guess he does."

Kakashi doesn't say anything to that, looks at the grass, and picks the flowers. His mind is teeming with thoughts, wordless ones, an image of a feeling he can't describe without a scream.

"I met him once. In a dream."

Kakashi doesn't turn back to him, but Naruto can tell he's listening.

"You must've been very happy to see him."

"Maybe. All I knew when I saw him, at first, was anger. I asked him how he could bestow such responsibility on an _infant_ , a _toddler_ , screamed at him about what a shit dad he was. How he could leave me so alone and afraid with something I couldn't even comprehend at the time. But... instead of screaming back, or defending himself, or chiding me, he just... apologized. He told me he'd never thought of the negative repercussions of such an action could be so devastating to me at the time, told me he _trusted_ me to bear the responsibility, the pain."

Naruto sucks in a breath to keep himself from crying. The man who kept him from losing himself, even in death, was standing a small ways away from him, _alive_.

"I see why people call him a good man," Naruto finally says. "Though, in my experience, he's not as smart as people praised him to be."

Kakashi laughs, outright. He doesn't hide it behind his arm, or look away, or try to stifle it. He laughs, without worry or pain or tears.

"I think your old man loved you too much."

Naruto considers it. Thinks about the utter love and devotion Minato looked at him within his mindscape, told him he trusted him and saw great in him, even if that greatness was out of reach at the time.

"Maybe," he says because that's all he can say.

* * *

Asahi finds himself tailing Minato most of the time, not that either mind. Asahi looked a lot like him, in hair and skin, but his face was round and soft like Kushina's. Minato found himself doting a tad on the man, even if he was the younger of the two. Asahi's husband, Riku, often just followed along with the whims of his overexcited spouse, holding his hand and calming him down.

It reminded him of himself and Kushina. One always excited and emotional, jittery and fast in everything but speed, one cool and collected, following along with fondness, taking in the sight with ease and slowness.

Minato also doesn't mind Asahi's influence on a certain Hatake. He was never one for teamwork and idle conversation, yet the blonde had somehow wormed his way into his daily life. More than once, Minato's caught Kakashi mutter to himself about something he'd like to ask Asahi that evening after training, a game he'd like to play, a place he'd like to go. It was almost too cute for the Hokage to handle. Kakashi acted as if Asahi was his older brother.

Today too, Minato watched on with barely-hidden amusement as Asahi dangled off a branch of a nearby tree and Kakashi sped up to finish. Obito was shouting, challenging Kakashi, yet the silver-haired shinobi paid him no mind. His eyes were both on the training at hand and the blonde ex-ninja holding his brunette husband hostage in his arms.

"All right! That's enough, take a break, all of you," Minato commands in his authoritative Hokage voice. He's always talking in that tone because it's what makes people listen. He's well aware his students respect him to the point he could babble drunkenly to piss on a lemur and they'd do it, but it's about the _aesthetics_.

The scene plays out like yesterday, and every other day before that, unsurprisingly.

Obito runs at Kakashi, trying to catch his attention so he can challenge the boy to some stupid contest he's convinced himself will make Rin look at him like she looks at Kakashi. Kakashi does a swift dodge, throws an unimpressed remark, and walks to where Asahi is dangling. Riku moves, Asahi falls, they have a good laugh, and then Kakashi leads the blonde somewhere secluded in the forest.

The same routine, one that Minato has grown accustomed to and fond of. Of course, there's always that nagging concern of Kakashi needing to connect with people _his_ age as well as adults who look strikingly similar to his sensei. Of course, he voices naught.

He strides, in all his tall, blonde, Hokage glory, to where Obito stood, trying to appeal to the young civilian girl. He would've tutted, but it would seem cruel to do so.

"Obito."

Immediately, the young Uchiha turns to face him, cheeks flushed and eyes determined. Minato appreciated the sight. Rin too turned to meet her sensei.

"H-hai, sensei!"

Minato quirks his head leftward, studying Obito's face. While a lot older than his Hatake rival, Obito sported much rounder and softer facial features. His eyes were large and circular, and his face still held on to baby fat a few years too long.

"I heard the newest issue of Icha Icha just released," Minato mused, placing a hand on his chin. He schooled a thoughtful expression on his face, sticking out his lower lip to punctuate the act.

Obito's face turned from embarrassed to excited within milliseconds. Minato worried the Uchiha's face might break from the speed. "Really?! I thought it was coming out next week!"

Minato actually had proofread Jiraiya's book for him, even though he had a professional editor. Something about appealing to the youth and the Hokage was very much youthful. And yes, it _was_ coming out next week, but Obito needn't know.

"It got an early release because of the fanfare. Since it's so popular, every bookstore has it, if you hurry now you could buy one before it sells out."

Obito immediately turned towards the village, grabbed Nohara, and _ran_. Minato almost burst out laughing at the sight, but kept himself as quiet as he could, trailing them.

Obito's first stop was arguably the most successful bookstore in the village. _Fuuko's Perch_ spelled out in white bubble letters, a small bird sitting comfortably in a nest reading a book right beside. Rin wasn't exactly excited to accompany a boy in search of a smutbook, but nothing interesting was going to happen anyhow, so she let him drag her around.

Watching Obito run from each corner of the shop in a pointless search for a book that hasn't even been released was undoubtedly hilarious. His face would scrunch in as he eyed the spines of each book, biting his nails in hope. Rin would browse some highly rated book in the young adult section, pawing inconspicuously at certain romance novels she found herself interested in. 

Obito's next move was to run outside, without even _asking_ the cashier if the book had even been _released_ ("Smart," Minato had muttered to himself in amusement). He dragged Rin to the _second-_ largest bookshop in Konoha, one that had a name written in too-loopy and stylized kanji for him to decipher, but he thought it might have to do something birds. Obito darted to the "New Releases" section, going to "I" in a desperate search. No comforting _Icha Icha_ was there to greet him.

By the time Obito had exited the _third-_ largest bookshop in Konoha, he had finally noticed something very off.

 _Icha Icha_ was a widely popular young adult mens' novel series, currently one of the most bought books in the _nation_. Nami no Kuni recognized one of the books - _Icha Icha Tricks_ \- for its _wildly controversial_ and _brave_ depiction of a relationship between a man and a woman. Minato, personally, thought Jiraiya was drawing too much inspiration from how women in hot springs talked to each other rather than women in heterosexual relationships did. The number of times Minato read "she giggled" or "she purred" or "she blushed" was frankly sickening. That being said, sad single men whose relationship experience came from watching TV dramas enjoyed them, and frankly, there were a lot of such people, and that meant there would be some kind of _advertisement_ or _talk_ or even a goddamn _sign_ that said the books were sold out! But the streets were _empty_ of the name _Icha Icha_ and Obito's face crumbled.

" _That fucking bastard_ ," was the only low whisper Minato could make out before the Uchiha dissolved into a puddle of curses and obscenities, all directed at their patiently listening sensei. It was at this point that Obito decided to run back to the training ground where he'd been told such cruel lies, and Minato decided it wise for him to arrive before the other, just to laugh.

Minato quickly found where Kakashi was having an animated conversation about how it's wrong to describe kunai as sexy with an amused but all-too-enthusiastic Asahi. Riku wasn't much for lively conversation, so he either hung back or stood beside his husband and listened attentively.

"Hey, hey, help me out-" he muttered to the two, gracefully landing on his feet from a tree. "Act like we're talking, okay? Doesn't matter what, just act like I've been here the entire time."

Riku nodded, though admittedly it was the easiest job for him. He was known to be quiet, all he had to do was act like he was paying attention to three people rather than two. Asahi and Kakashi gave a verbal affirmation.

"And _that_ 's why you never fuck with a bird. That goddamn pheasant gave me trauma for _weeks_! I was scared to go outside, and Riku had to drag me out to go shopping," Asahi recalled, very matter-of-factly, his interaction with a wild chicken he'd met on the outskirts of Nami no Kuni.

"Sounds to me like you're scared of chickens, old man." Kakashi was standing beside the highlighter blonde, not exactly idly, but not as enthusiastic as before. Hell will freeze over before Kakashi reveals that he can _smile_ and _be happy_ around other people to his chūnin teammates.

"You have no right to chastise me, you shoulda seen the looks in its eye. Hunger... bloodlust... evil, straight _evil_!"

"He does have a point, Asahi. It sounds like you're scared of chickens," Minato offered, voice idle. He's never been one for pleasant conversation. Most of his "conversations" had to do with either politics or small talk, and he's not well-versed in the concept of "having a conversation to pass the time". He could train, or bully his chūnin to pass the time, but _talking_? It... was sadly one of the few things he didn't excel at.

"Wow, fuck me, huh? Gang up on the senior, right? Didn't your parents ever teach you to respect your elders, you damn brats?" Asahi gave an indignant huff, one that was supposed to come off as childish, but the effect was marred due to the fact Asahi was a grown man, a head taller than Minato, with _very_ adult facial features. He resembled Jiraiya, in some way.

"Minato-sensei!" came a voice, hilariously high-pitched, almost squeaky, and owned by a very specific Uchiha.

Minato didn't need to turn around to confirm the rigid scowl on Obito's face or the disgruntled way he stood. But he did, and he stood unsurprised. Obito's face was flushed to pinks unimaginable, and the heat carried down to his shoulders and what he could make out of his neck. A full-body blush.

"Yes, Obito-chan?" Minato asked in the most innocent, teacher-esque voice he could pull off.

"You sent me on a fucking wild goose chase!"

Minato has to forcefully swallow down the laugh that wants to fall out of his mouth because Obito's clenching his hands so _angrily_ and his entire face is _swollen with rage_ that Minato probably wouldn't've guessed him different from a bratty pug.

Minato looks right, then left, then right again, and then finally at Obito.

"I see no wild geese to chase. Are you feeling unwell, Obito-chan?"

The "chan" only makes his saccharine smile more humiliating. 

Obito lashes out, jumping with as much force as he can muster in his 18-year-old legs and downright _pouncing_ on the man. Minato, in almost scripted perfection, dodges, grabs his arm and twists it behind, and uses the other to put the chūnin in a headlock. Obito squirmed, although not by much because he would have broken his arm if he did, and tried to bite at his sensei's sleeve. Minato doesn't let the drool bother him, but there's still that cloying grin that persists indefinitely.

"I fucking _hate_ you, Minato-sensei," Obito grumbles, stopping his insistent struggle when he hears a not-so-good crack. He's sure he hasn't broken anything, but there's always a chance, a frighteningly good chance, that Minato's almost suffocating hold has made him numb to pain.

Inside, Minato is busting his lungs and his stomach is starting to hurt from stifling his laughter. Obito's always been the most expressive of the group, even more expressive than _Rin_ , who, somehow, managed to convey utter, blood-curdling _rage_ with a too-crooked smile and _delivered_. His face contorted in a miasma of ways, going from violent fury to absolute mortification to shaking fear to depressed resignation. Minato had to bite his tongue to keep himself from shrieking, it was very unbecoming of the Hokage to guffaw, after all.

"Such foul language, are you sure _Rin_ would appreciate that?"

Obito turned redder, how that was possible was beyond him, at the mention of his not-so-secret crush, who was standing a ways away, enjoying the show.

"W-w-what do you know?!" he screamed, and Minato winced due to the volume.

Minato considered him, looked up at the sky as if asking the clouds, before answering. "I _am_ married, I think I know a little more about women than you do." A lie, a very bald-faced lie, because Kushina was unlike any woman he'd met before and that's why he fell so hard for the red-haired demoness of Konoha. Asahi seemed to catch on to his bullshit, judging by the wide grin he was struggling to force down.

"Nuh-uh! Kushina-sama is no woman! She's a _demon_! No woman can be _that_ scary!"

Kushina arrived promptly for her routine chaste kiss and conversation (one that she dragged along while Minato listened, of course) with her husband, only to hear such defamation in her name.

" _What_ was that, _Obito-kun_?"

Kushina's voice was surprisingly deep, so impossibly great that Minato struggled to remember what Kushina actually _looked like_ (cute, pretty, and unassuming), but of course, Minato had fallen for Kushina _because_ of that fear she instilled in him, that great rage she harboured, not _in spite_ of them. Minato took the cue and let go of the Uchiha, who, in his right mind, hid behind the Hokage. Of course, Minato was no match for Kushina, and she could _see through_ people, not literally like with the Byakugan, but in a way even more terrifying.

Minato wisely stepped aside.

Even though Kushina was four months pregnant and the baby bump was starting to show, it made her no less terrifying to Obito. She gave chase and Minato watched fondly as she terrorized his student. Her feral nature was exactly what drew him in, after all.

Rin stood beside him, gawking at the scene. Rin had only met Kushina a handful of times, and each of those said times, Kushina was acting like a delicate angel who'd fallen to earth. It was perfectly understandable. Still, Minato giggled internally at her stupefied face.

Asahi had taken a step or three back from the Kushina's line of sight. Despite how kindly she treated him as if she were his own mother, she was a force to be reckoned with and Asahi very much respected that. Riku just leaned against his lover, amused.

**Author's Note:**

> i debated making naruto's fakename "menma" but ehhh. theres enough menma narutos out there lol  
> tried to make minato wise but friendly ?? idk i haven't actually seen him in the show yet lol  
> and!! hc that kakashi gets interested in "icha icha" bc of obito... jiraiya does *not* only have 4 books in the icha icha series and i refuse to believe that could ever happen. he has a publisher and he makes 2 books a year, 1 icha icha and 1 standalone. though the poor reception of "the tail of the utterly gutsy shinobi" was depressing, jiraiya enjoys writing adventure tales just as much as romance. icha icha is his most famous/widespread but he also indulges in his adventure-loving self every once a year


End file.
